I ain’t nothing but tired.
Growing up in the nineties the only thing I knew about the song Dancing in the Dark is that Courtney Cox appeared in the music video- it was just a song with someone from Friends in it. That was it. Not my thing, next please thank you.
It took until last year for it to sink in and once it had clicked, that was it.
I don’t know of many other records that make me want to charge my way through the day like a fired up Sonic and lose myself to tears before the first few bars have reached their completion.
Have you actually heard what he’s saying?
Yes Bruce, me too. I know.
It is Sunday so as usual I am heartbroken. It is our wedding anniversary tomorrow- gardening and good company is getting me through. I look back at the past eight years of births, deaths and marriages and feel pretty certain that the next eight will contain the same. Life goes on and it doesn’t- all in one breath. Sunday is the rumour that taints the week.
I will go to work. I will do my job well, I will wonder how much I can do the job when I am broken into pieces. I will have moments of success. I will look forward to leaving with a portfolio of achievements. I will make a home and marvel at my creations. I will keep going. I will soak up inspiration and say when things are good. I will seek admiration and quietly enjoy the glow. I will be bombastic in self praise and hush the critic within. I will smile with every part of my beautiful face. I will laugh to the point of breathlessness . I will complain about how fat I am, I will decide that it is okay to be fat; I will change my mind again. I will say sorry to my body for being unkind. I will walk miles and sometimes I will run. I will dance in celebration of my arms and legs and my beating heart. I will dress in bright colours and conversational prints. I will cook and consume with thought and gusto. I will talk to my plants. I will be a good parent, I will lose my mind; I will say sorry when I find it again. I will love as much as I can and LP will grow and grow and grow. I will miss Seb; I will endure this same pain until I go. I will write about it. I will wonder who it helps. I will fear loss. I will feel every death more keenly than I did before. I will try to ignore the shadow that we cast as it looks like the reaper lurking. I will love again. I will revel in new chances.
All of these things are in the fabric of Dancing in the Dark and I haven’t even left the house. All of the stuff within and I haven’t even considered you yet-the world outside. If I am not living each pulse and every drum beat, then what am I living for? This laugh’s on me.
A note about the writing:
If you are reading this and find it interesting or helpful or entertaining; however it finds you- please share it. As you may know Seb loved to read and absorb and share- he was excellent at it whereas I find it all a bit too much- social media can be excellent but it makes my brain hurt- I am the opposite of the robot in Short Circuit.
I want to tell you all about what it is like to have this experience and writing helps me cope. I would like it to help you with death and with life. I hope it doesn’t worry you, sometimes I think it will. I would like to put all of this in a book and if you share it, it might help that happen.
I write these posts on my phone. I pick it up and swap and change things like an online food shop. I wander off to empty the dishwasher and I come back again. There are so many things I haven’t said yet; but I have typed them to store.
I don’t know what I am going to do next, I teach part time and the rest of my life I cram with stuff to distract me. I have to force myself to rest but I’m getting better at that. I think if someone caught me in a low mood and sent me to bed until I felt better, I would take that permission and sleep for a thousand hours. However my actions have consequences and LP needs her mum. If you would like to support my writing with a donation then can do that too.