Every so often, just to make me laugh, Seb would hum a random but recognisable tune and tell me that it was Popcorn. It never was. He knew that I would just laugh so hard. Then he would descend into far fetched stories about the pop star Jonny Vosper- who never existed; Seb had made him up too. Sometimes I would ask him to prove what he was telling me, so he would find evidence online and show me his screen; his thumb covering up anything that didn’t fit with the tale. There would always be a look of delight on his face when he’d made me laugh- a little victory. A reminder that we were still us, unencumbered by our cares for a little while. This is why we are and why we stay. He was my ally.
If I spotted something amusing on telly and Seb went quiet- I knew he would be tweeting about it. He’d never use my words verbatim- he was too clever for that. I was always too busy enjoying how funny I was to even word the joke properly. He could manage both. Sometimes he’d poll twitter over something we’d disagree on- like whether one should consume French fries in fists or singly. Then there was always the ice lolly versus lolly ice debate; that was the only time the North/South divide would get us. I’d always comply with the two types of potato with a roast.
I have spent so much time of late, concerned over the loss- I was afraid of unlocking my memories, all the lovely things about Seb. I was scared that it would just make the pain so much worse; we had moved into the past tense. I am prepared to parent LP with the help that I have- I am fortunate. We hadn’t planned to have more than one child so there is no emptiness there; although hormones are an unpredictable monster. I am settling in for the mourning of my closest friend; the husband and father I have let go of for now.
I miss playing games- both of us hunched over Bananagrams. Seb would almost finish his grid and glance over at mine to see me completely destroy and rebuild it again as he tried to get us down to a small scattering of letters. Each time we would be so close to a draw; sometimes I pipped him- I never cared if I should lose. We made a great quiz team too- we trusted what each other knew- we were both appalling at geography. I often let him do the talking, mostly because I really loved to hear him speak. He was enthusiasm personified.
This is where I feel it now.
When Seb and I met it was just so easy. The constant noise of introspection was silenced for a while. Grief has brought it back so strongly. Everything means something- I am so tired of myself. I hope I can find that ease again- because right now I am just exhausting.