Last week I decided that I would live each day as if I might die any moment. I don’t think I’m going anywhere yet; there is no need to start gathering the essential paperwork and hiding the incriminating things. Life has just kept kicking me in the tits and so with an aching chest I decided to make the most of it all. I was so lonely- bereft to the core. I knew that I had to do something to help myself and so I accepted the help around me. I made plans to do things and see friends. I looked forward.
LP is brimming with energy and feelings. She has started looking back for reassurance; checking I am still there. I am trying to be as present as I can. She often asks if we are going to have adventures and I am delighted when a mooch around the charity shops and an ice cream counts as an event. She has the same crisps and lemonade outlook as I always did; the ability to treasure the small things.
What I have got out of living each day with more openness is that I have heard more stories. More of life. More sadness and more success. Seeing the odd parent at the school gates is not enough for me. I need to witness stuff going on. Reality can be enriching and it can tell you that you are not alone. Telling enables me to be told- your story and mine. Everybody sees you’re blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow.
After going under mentally at the start of the year and getting some really helpful counselling; my body decided to have a turn at giving me a hard time. Now I am in pain almost all of the time and my brain often decides it’s too much to join in properly. I take a lot of drugs and I’m waiting to be seen by the experts to see if I can have some more. I have had to change plans; to cancel lovely things to do. I have a problem with my spine and my hips and therefore it’s all getting on my nerves. Fatigue is no fun. I have half written so many posts without the energy to type them up; to be myself and share what is happening. Stick a bit of grief in the mix too as it never goes away. Dead dead deathly death- round and round on a sad bobbing carousel.
Now having been made redundant I am not a teacher anymore; not an employed one at least. I am looking for ways to contribute and enrich in some way. I seek the opportunity to be helpful but it must be on a comfortable seat with a big cardigan and a hot water bottle- I also need to locate my wrist warmers if I am to sit typing- how quickly we forget the winter until it’s in our laps. I am living from the contributions I have made to the state- this is the way of things now. Having spent hours researching welfare and waiting on hold countless times I can tell you that it is tough out there- it might be hard times for you too; we are all living some shade of difficulty.
Still, I am here today and there is a little house in Liverpool with music on and a hot drink and good things occurring. I have decided to make the most of it because you’re reading this. People make things better. The small and the big stuff. Making time to message or call or meet. The exchanges.