Sometimes there is nothing left.
I am filling time again. Something on the telly. Work to do. More chores. Superfluous stuff.
I have been trying to make something out of life. I am holding it all together for LP; she is my reason and everyone knows that- an anchor and a raft.
I would just go if it wasn’t for her. Perhaps not entirely. I would go somewhere else and start again. I would try and find the point. Just like I did when I met Seb and life really began. On the sofa, when she is not here, the point is invisible but there are signs of her all around- I remember her and I keep on.
I don’t want to do this alone.
I haven’t pulled the curtains yet. He always used to do it one handed; mostly looking at his phone- it always annoyed me; the gaps left where he’d placed no importance on the full success of the chore. I can see the garden lights blurred in the frosted door glass. I have paused the telly to write this. In the edit I am burnt out- face to face with the weight of my words.
I am holding back the scream. My eyes are hot and my heart hurts. I am feeling again.
LP turned six at the weekend. I just can’t write about it. I want to tell you all about her, but it is tied up in the pain. She is so much of him. She is a comfort and a constant reminder of what is missing and she doesn’t know. She’ll work it out.
It is getting darker.
There is a need that can’t be satisfied- the folding in to love. It is possible to hold the person you love and almost disappear; like an act of surrender. I don’t have that now. Those moments- the years of being ourselves that enabled the embrace have gone and I am bereft.
If I could just disappear. If nobody would notice and not even remember me, I would go.
This is the cruelty of being left behind. I know what I am missing. I know what they would miss.
Seb wasn’t the things he said online; the comics he bought; the stuff he watched. He was not the body or the beard; the hair or the glasses. He was the relationships that he formed. The family we created. The brother and the son.
He is missing.
He hated this song. I like her voice.